Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend - Colin Quinn

Comedian Colin Quinn feels euphoric about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.   Colin sits down with Conan to talk about his tenure on Weekend Update, why simple transgression isn’t comedy, and the best quotes out of his new book Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States.   Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (323) 451-2821. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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00:00:04
Hey everybody, Brian here to talk to you about something bits of crucial importance right now in America. That's right merchandising of all the things happening right now. Nothing is more important than what we call merch teamcoco.com shop is are hub for everything merch related. I can feel my soul leaving my body. We have new Team Coco.

00:00:31
Oh my god. Well, yeah, we're taking taking every advantage of the Cove in cases by making some Team Coco masks no idea if they're medically sound as well as a variety of t-shirts phone cases coffee mugs and tumblers from heart podcast, including our summer Sports Series. This is not the time in America that we did a special capsule collection with Jordan schlansky and most recently added a new limited-edition world's worst assistant collection made for a very own Sona movsesian. Hey, stop bitching about quarantine in covid-19.

00:01:17
Hi everyone. My name is hi. My name is Colin Quinn.

00:01:30
And I feel euphoric by being on Conan O'Brien's about being Conan O'Brien's friend that is badly as it could be done.

00:01:41
back to school ring the bell tennis shoes walking blue kind of fence books and pens from

00:01:56
I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hello and welcome to Brian needs a friend so far. I think this is my most professional intro. It was really good. That was really good. I didn't sound like a candy would accidentally picked up the phone while his father was talking.

00:02:17
Right now, yeah, I think it's Unbecoming somehow during this pandemic more masculine. I don't know why your body is changing. My body is changing. You know, what you're becoming you're becoming a venerable broadcaster to say I think it has more to do with I have very long hair. I don't know why that would make me more masculine but a lot of people are saying that I look like a stripper Surfer guy. I think I'm starting to take on the attitude of a surfer guy anyway, and you have to go outside and be exposed to sunlight to Surf and then I so then I said I drew it out, but you won't do the actual test my home. Is there a word for a good time? Not a poser my whole life attitudes it up and

00:03:17
I'm proud of that. It's a good thing right? Yes, that's me. And this is my podcast by time and I'm here course with my assistant Sona movsesian cuz he's gonna yes, cuz I see my family a lot in the studio was I don't know. I never been happier to be here in my own state law. That's right. You are smart enough to broadcast from your home lovely home. By the way. I've seen it a gorgeously appointed you and your wife have very nice taste.

00:04:17
That's nice of you. Like there's another shoe to drop there's only ever been another shoe dropping remains will be the first time. It doesn't let's see how beautiful a lovely wife a beautiful home and I think you're a man of taste and distinction.

00:04:35
Oh, no, she froze. I'm just froze cheap beer. Anyway, I'm just curious if you're enjoying the the same that the podcast is brought you so know you were someone who is not in the bright white light of showbusiness. I like that some say I have thrived in. Okay, some say I've been incinerated by but you are getting recognized. It's okay. So I will say I have that type of like you look familiar kind of thing about me, but there's this thing that happened recently that I was hesitant to talk about cuz it is kind of gross, but I talked about my cysts on this podcast. So I'll just talk about this to

00:05:35
Call Stephanie s cup to your buddy cranks out sis. Okay to get checked by a dermatologist like every 4 weeks podcast recording right now the podcast story. Okay, I O my God, I have a toenail fungus.

00:06:09
Are you didn't want to do this on the Michelle Obama episode a lot of people have it. I am not a freak stop it. Okay, so I have this anyway, so I order this medication and it comes in a box and I open the box and there's always fun goodies in there that I didn't order along with the medication and they pull out the packing slip and behind it. Someone wrote love the podcast.

00:06:40
Like when I went to the urologist in he knew me from the podcast not from the world. I live in Altadena and she lives in Altadena. This must be her toe fungus medication are your opening up a very this is a very private matter you and your toe fungus fast. You can throw using an assumed name. Do you think I'd ever do that? You know when I buy stuff online, I'm cheese bit ly

00:07:26
And it goes to a PO box but it says she's Bentley attorney at law. And then my PO box and that's where I get my various sexual toys can't believe that I'm the only one on this podcast has had a toe fungus. I've had cysts removed at one of my 40th birthday. Why on your 40th birthday poses? I had it at its worst on my 40th birthday and was inside my lip and it made me look like I'd had plastic surgery like bad plastic surgery and then they took it out and there was a hole like a pocket in my lip and they stuff that hole full of gods in for like 3 days. I had to had a wad of gauze inside my lip not behind my lip but inside my left story. I remember I had a wisdom tooth out very late late thirties or something. This is like five or six or seven years into doing the Late Night show and I'll never forget this they get out. So there was this whole there was some nerves on the bone that were like a little exposed. They said it's very sensitive.

00:08:26
What you have to do is we're going to give you the medical implements the little tweezers you have to take this little bit of cotton gauze dip it in this numbing medication and then drop it down the whole. Oh my God using the little thing and then go on the errand to your TV show. Okay. The problem is I can't see back there to do and they said you should just get someone to do it for you. I got Andy Richter still Andy Richter. This is true before every show for at least three weeks. It would be like the band will be playing and Andy would come in cuz he kind way is very nice guys, very steady hands. He like I open up. Open up my mouth and you guys can reach back there and drop a little cotton anesthetizing grenade down this hole and if we hit the bone and suddenly I wouldn't be in pain anymore and I be like, no problem.

00:09:26
Let me do a show in my next guest Elton John and no one had any idea that Andy had just performed oral surgery on me back stage now. We'd love to every listener if I just think that's passing you was thinking Star Wars in the first Star Wars movie when Luke s to shoot that thing and has to go right down that hole to blow up the Death Star exhaust port with yes. Yes here we said too much maybe we haven't said enough, but you said that you had this thing removed on your birthday your 40th birthday. I don't remember which birthday it was but I was all by myself. It was my birthday and I was trying to close this garage door in Connecticut, and I closed it and the garage door where the folds are it pinched my finger and kind of crush the tip of it and I was like and I jumped in my car and I drove to the New Milford Hospital which is about half an hour away holding my hand.

00:10:26
The window in the air and I was on my own not the best. Of my life during this time. I drove to the hospital and I came in and I'm holding my hand in the air. And the nurse I'm sitting there. And the nurse said what's your name? And I have Conan O'Brien. She goes. Okay. And what's your address and she said date of birth? And I said Happy Birthday to me and I'm just exchanged to look for second. And then she was like, alright. Well anyway, no fungus nail. You think I'm ugly skin. Come on, it's not ugly. God made me everyday. What is wrong?

00:11:26
Chunk, how do you say that everyday? I mean really couldn't have meant this Mom. You said that yesterday and why would he make some noise? So warm skin and we never fixed it. Okay. Well, can we just change the topic? I mean God wouldn't do this part of God's plan. Can we just talk about anything else? I won the spelling bee today, unless you're some kind of time and got good works. Sorry. I think you had a breakthrough is when

00:12:26
I don't know. I just want to say to my therapist screw you who needs you identity the microphone and a laughing assistant in one good today is a very funny comedian actor and writer. I've known him forever. He was a cast member on Senate life and host of Weekend Update. He now has a new book is very good overstated a Coast-to-Coast roast of the 50 states.

00:12:56
Colin Quinn welcome

00:12:58
Calling you don't know the name of the podcast, but you looked you look like you had just lost a loved one.

00:13:17
This is just this is the hardest I've heard. So no laugh in a long time you are of this is us if we tried an experiment where we got an eighth and we tried to see if we can get it to set up audio and then

00:13:32
Let's go. Okay. Let's move on. I believe you have for me I can tell by the way you're prepared for this podcast. I love you, and I always ask. You know that look in your eye.

00:14:09
Calling let's start at the beginning cuz there's so much to talk about you have a book that you've written. I really love Colin Quinn and it's a Coast-to-Coast Rose temperature. Key States overstated called and nobody Comics - off books. They just Dash them off and they make a quick buck. And there are so many good ideas in this book and so many witty observations and I'm a big fan of good comedy writing and this book is spectacular, so I congratulate you on your book.

00:14:43
Yeah, thank you know I did most comedians. That is true. It's true. Most comedians do not read. I will maintain a good chunk of comedians can't read. But so I was so don't you feel that the Irish people, you know not to give us those a pat on the back, but we are kind of known for that. We are we're good writers. You got your choice, you know, you know, you're Frank O'Connor. Yeah, you got your Seamus Heaney. Flannery O'Connor. She's American by listing Irish writers will be here will be here for six days. So I don't think we should do that.

00:15:43
You seem like you're proud to be Irish. I'm not sure I am I I've always been wary about my 100% Irish heritage a friend of mine named Tom. Kelly might know him a writer and Thomas a little bit tipsy and he was like this year. They're not like us and their smarts tell me about your irishness. This Boston Irish people all self-contained little Community. Yes. Yes, you had to get along more than the Boston Irish who walked around like I owned the place.

00:16:42
PlayStation on the place. We wouldn't we wouldn't keep up. The payments is the problem if we did on the place you left. V tight.

00:16:57
I maintain the worst accent in the world is the Cranston I sent about the Boston accent and I was once driving along at night. I was headed to a wedding in a couple years into my talk show and I stopped off in Cranston Rhode Island to refill my car with gas and this woman who was wearing all acid wash stepped out of her car and I was wearing a hat and I could tell that she recognized me and she pointed at me. She said yeah, and I'm like, oh my God to be discovered and found out and Accused by a pirate and 2:00 in the morning at 10 a.m. P.m.

00:17:47
Listen to this is this is a great line that I love the enemy. I am an admirer of your writing and there's so many beautiful lines and I was under laying a bunch in this book. And here you are talking about Massachusetts used to be the pride of Massachusetts for all those Charming colonial-era towns, like Lexington and Concord in the House of Seven Gables. Now, it's getting the finger on I-90 by a fat landscaper and a scally cap and a Dropkick Murphys footy. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I love the imagery of it. And that's something I I think from all my weariness of being Irish the Irish do better than ever. Is it concise image that knocks you over like that is an image. I can see that person in the scally cap. And it Dropkick Murphys Hill hoodie giving me the finger on the Mass Pike. I can see it. It's happened. I know that guy and that guy and that guy knows my brother Luke.

00:18:47
So I know exactly what's going on. Yeah, I think it's I think it's true. I think I have some ambivalence about being Irish cuz you know, we've got we've got plenty of our flaws and Saint Patrick's Day. I was never the guy that was like Hey, I'm Irish Kiss Me. I'm Irish. Yay Irish. I would go the other way almost how to pretend to be Cuban just to get through the day. I don't know.

00:19:13
Desi Arnaz Cuban, you know later... Beautiful people in the world.

00:19:32
Patrice O'Neal who is that? I was just like the name you just ain't hardly but you'll live forever and I noticed the tree that it just completely crumbled over and someone who knows alot about trees with this mean if it gets hit with a poplar tree grow real fast, they look good and then they just dry out and fall apart and muck up the yard and then and just end up in a heap of shity wood and I remembered saying that's the Irish, you know, you're exactly right young Irish people are so gorgeous and and all of my nephews and nieces are such.

00:20:32
Beautiful and they all look like little kids that put on their swimsuits and cats on the Titanic. You know, I don't hold out of the air frozen ocean. We all starts with that's why I was always in such a hurry in my TV career here. I thought I've got to get going fast cuz my face when I was 30 or my late twenties, I had sharp cheekbones and it's shock of hair and in the right light. I kind of cleaned up. Okay, and I thought I got to move fast because this face is going to get fat and red and my body is going to start to fall apart and I'm going to live a long time but look awful and I've got to make it now and that had at that, excuse me to understand what I'm saying.

00:21:28
Yes, I do. But look who writes about getting old better than I believe this isn't just some wise Tale But I think it's the true story about Yates that late in life. He wanted to rejuvenate his sexual ability. So he went in for some kind of weird surgery where they like a monkey glands his private areas. I'm not kidding. I think Yates was into that and if I'm wrong may I be sued by the eights mandation, I believe Gates was into that someone can look it up if they want. But I think he was mucking around. Wait a minute Irish psychics last writers had worked on like he's one of the Kardashians and not even work that was going to help him appear better, but would help him function in the bedroom, which is something no Irish person cares about

00:22:28
For like like, you know us we're known for really pleasuring a woman for a long long time psychological people mental guess we give women orgasms by bitterly complaining about our childhoods in a kind of witty way Jeff check this out. This is in real time to talk. So exaggerated was not far from a bizarre truth yase approaching old age with the trim and reluctance had signed up at the clinic of a London sexologist there. He learned of a long sequence of scientific research by the medical profession begun with a French doctor in with an extract taken from the testicles of guinea pigs and dogs. So there's your great Irish poet.

00:23:28
Just because he wanted to get off six more times in his life. He jammed a rat up his ass.

00:23:37
That's a great man to your book. But I want to talk to you a little bit first. Our paths have crossed many times over the years you while you work at Staying Alive. You weren't working tonight live at the same time. I was overdoing The Late Night show. You are writing. It's their Night Live and then you were doing a weekend update for a while. And you know that your adored everyone in comedy just adores you you're around the Comics comic how do you feel about that? You're the Comics comic I feel very good about that because I would bomb every night and the comedian Watchmen.

00:24:37
They hated me and the comedians love me. It's just the way that you would come on my show many times over the years as a guest and you would your speech pattern is not there to please people is very authentic you taking pretty quickly and you couldn't swallow some of the words and you mutter things that are absolutely hysterical and you clearly there's some part of you that saying this is who I am you can appreciate it or you can fuck yourself. Is that am I wrong there? I mean, I didn't do that intentionally the truck if you would ask me I'm coming out and doing my material but you know in my when you really look at it and must have been so deeply rooted that I would not see that but yes, that's what what's been going on.

00:25:37
What I noticed that you used to do occasionally as a gas, which is you'd like to kind of dig yourself a hole and then get yourself out of it. It's almost like a psychological needs to I want to put some distance between the crowd and I'm not even saying this is conscious but you wanted to put a little distance there and then get him back. Is that possible you look at Larry David. I was Larry David do that when you stand up. OK unless you say Larry David used to tell Comics backstage. This is before Seinfeld before he heads, you know got onto to Curb Your Enthusiasm. No one knew who he was Kid come out there when you really need.

00:26:37
He needed the money since how he was surviving can cut and he would tell them backstage. I'll do some material and then I'm going to do my to do joke, I think which was should I use the familiar to form or should I be more formal with you people and you see animal abuse Ted door?

00:27:01
Is it good to wear the booty said if they laugh at that? I know they're going to like me and if I don't I know that the rest of the set is going in the toilet. She would go out there and he would say I like you I like you as a crowd. Yeah, dude. Should I use the two from the Zoo crowd and if they crowd didn't respond to that and lose his temper and starts asking about this to be like that's that's what I did would completely commit suicide psychology. It's a funny thing how we how we going to manifest itself or all of us a very funny joke at work witnessing an amazing thing right. Now you witnessing someone doing exactly what they want and dream about the whole life and it's still miserable.

00:28:05
Did you enjoy doing Weekend Update as you like it or psychology? I I was very ambivalent and Warren new hit me but it was not it was not a great fit update segments. My happiest states at SNL. It's so funny. I experienced this and you did too. And so many people Jim Downey Lorne Michaels has a soft spot as a as a Jewish man from Canada. He has he has this sort of obsession with Irish Irish comedians and Irish writers. He I mean God knows he changed my life and did wonderful things for me and for you I know was he involved in your one-man shows which I saw on Broadway. I loved it except the parts about Irish people.

00:29:05
Except for that 95% I was with you all the way I could see Lauren wanting you to be to update and then maybe it's a good fit. Maybe it's not a good fit. You're not sure Lord not wanting to go tell you maybe update isn't it? I've been there since 1930, but I've been living on an island way too long and their frame of reference is completely off, you know and reminiscing about that great host truck from 1976 Gloria Gaynor.

00:29:49
Do I come back? That would be a good host on the show. We could get Half Men on the show with the back on track a person is if we could bump her and get Howard hesseman. Yes. I'm very familiar with with that aspect of the show. These people that have been there for Jesus since like Watergate and he's loyal to people that was employees like that to the end you learned as did I take with those have a thing which is we like to talk. We like to gab. It's the curse of our people sometimes the biggest last I get her when I'm not saying anything and and I'm just staring at the ghazt and you can find this beauty and he sounds as which is something I didn't know about.

00:30:50
It wasn't part of the culture of being an Irish Catholic comic or an Irish Catholics, DeRuyter word performer or someone who is obsessed with comedy about you if you felt like you got better at I feel like yes, I feel like this like when I started comedy I would say you have to come out and prove yourself and that is going to sound very weird Lee that rushing to speak when you come on stage now to try to prove yourself because it shows you're trying to get them instead of taking a second to get your parents. And I mean, I know that's not what you talkin about, but I'm just didn't know it is it is it is because what I always do is I try to prepare I try to have good ideas. I try.

00:31:49
Have a plan but I always tell myself just before I go out if it's a big crowd or just a regular show. I try to tell myself leave space to find it because and find out who they are. And what's happening out there in that moment. I walk out there and I'll move around the stage, but I won't say anything right away and it's just trying to find out what's the energy what's happening cook me a while to get comfortable enough to do that. That's right. I agreed that I should do that on the podcast. It's just not speak to the first half-hour. You know, I'd let you let you Collin get uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable before you got here. We had a lot of stuff going on. You don't trust me. I'm going to make sure that that has been included in the in the podcast cuz it was too good. I was waiting they kept saying no, it's not ready yet.

00:32:49
And then I saw my technician back out of the room backwards with a look of shock and I was like what's wrong and he said he's he's on a telephone. He's on a telephone. We can't he doesn't know that we need to do this through a computer and then you were looking for a computer and I think you made one out of some Maplewood. Is that true? Let's go to that whole conversation now in the moment before just to take us to break up.

00:33:19
I don't answer. Is that like a bandana around your neck? Is that like an affectation or was that I know that's actually I use that as a mask during I'm going to hate to break it to you. There's something called covid-19 there. I know that you are as most Irish are but I wear this thing and I can put it up easily. So no, it's not an affectation. I wish it was which I think you got around your head.

00:33:48
You know, what? Can I say something? I have to disagree with a lot that the Nazis did trusts me a lot. But the luftwaffe had baby dress nicely. They did dress nicely and the outfits for the luftwaffe and the gestapo and you telling me I'm dressed like I'm in the luftwaffe. I'm like, thank you. That's not compliment because they spend much more time on the cut of their uniforms then they did figuring exactly how they should be bombing Britain dust. We have a lot to talk about, and I'm glad we figured out the tech stuff and I I want to make sure that all of that is in their weight, but we're not finished with a text Duff. Oh, my team is telling me now that they're apparently we're not even close to call him. What happened? We're not finished. Sorry. Well, yeah, yeah.

00:34:48
You better turn the ice shutdown and I hate to break it to you. But I am suing you I'm going to sue you and this is going to be part of the lawsuit.

00:35:15
Trust me. If you did send it to us. I know that you would mail it to us. I like a bulky Brown package step in that movie would be covered in wax paper. I swear to God. We're putting the stuff in there to hear me.

00:35:36
I have a little mini cast around my hand cuz I injured my thumb 2 years ago and every now and then it flares up but you're going to make fun of me for my ailments and say that I look like I'm into falconry. I'm now taking the thumb brace off cuz it's very attached with velcro. So there I no longer look like a falcon or in the luftwaffe. Do you have a microphone? We're using Where's your microphone microphone? And where did he go? He just left. Okay, come back Colin come back. You don't need a microphone. You don't need a microphone. I was going to fuse for a second, but it's your breath since you're unprofessionalism.

00:36:29
What is Sterling Cafe in the chat and then workout or good? Okay, let's begin the podcast Lester all Colin Got the Time by making that joke. I'm helping you stay aware of your cholesterol levels be showing real concern. Maybe you should thank me. Thank you. And sorry about the heart attack. I should have read that bar. We have a great podcast already with what's just happened. Okay ready when you are, okay, and it sounded as if he doesn't

00:37:20
I hate it here. I absolutely hate it. I hate it at my own podcast.

00:37:30
Okay, this is no lie, but the product I'm talking about now is a product which is in my refrigerator everyday. I think I I have this bread every day open up refrigerator Dave's Killer Bread. Have you had this done if you had Dave's Killer Bread? You said that such a weird way. I right have they sent me a lot and I meant to say it in a way where I was like, oh, I love Dave but it's much creepier. Sounds like you're in a cult or something. I love this bread. I really do. It's the bread that's in our refrigerator. I really like it and it's cuz he's great seeds in it. And it makes its great on a sandwich or a really good toast to Dave's Killer Bread. Excellent toast something about the company that I didn't know. They're really into Second Chance employment, which I think is an amazing amazing mission one in for America.

00:38:30
When's has some kind of criminal record and sometimes they have a hard time getting a second chance Fresh Start Dave's Killer Bread employees. Those people gives them a chance lets them rebuild their life turned her life around and that's kind of the purpose of every loaf that they make and I'm telling you sometimes that someone's had a great cause on the products. Okay. This is really good bread. I like this bread if I could I would keep this bread in my pocket and use it as a wallet, you know sort of put the money on the credit cards in between two slices of Dave Killer Bread and then we get soggy. Why wouldn't you just eat it? I'm going to be honest with a wallet out of Dave's Killer Bread not a good idea, but I like what they're doing. I really like their bread and I like this idea of giving people a fresh start Second Chance employment. So learn more about what they're doing at.

00:39:30
Dave's Killer Bread. Calm second chances that Dave's Killer Bread. Calm Second Chances. Don't make a wallet out of it. That was a stupid idea.

00:39:46
Hey everybody, Conan O'Brien here to let you know about Jim Coco's in Virtual comedy show hosted by my good friend. Very funny comedian Moses storm Moses storm in friends dreams every other Thursday on Tim Coco's YouTube. Twitch and Facebook pages Past cast of Ben Chris Redd Joel Kim booster Rachel Bloom Beth Stelling Cowpens. Ron funches. Anjelah Johnson. And so many more fantastic, Show jam-packed featuring some of my favorite people and guest lineups. You read this book. Wish I again I'm going to put in a plug to rather than waiting to the end Coast to Coast Roast Beef Reading this book that I really do love and I think we have something in common, which is I love history and you go through state by state and what I love about the book. It's very funny you say here you are in

00:40:46
I Louisiana one time I landed at the airport in the cab driver who was at least 400 lb stopped halfway through the trip and made me get out and pump gas while he went into the store to pay and pick up some goodies and he came out with a six pack of beer and open one while he was driving me and offered me one and it was 10:30 a.m. That's New Orleans, but you're approaching this in the way that I personally agree with which is we're not better than any of these people. You're just noticing that's clearly. We're in a moment right now in national moment. It's really terrifying in here.

00:41:31
People are like so definitive the worst place where the best place and there's no in-between. No contradiction is no new wants a German but these are the two sides in that red thing. Even a expression all that person to both sides. Are you supposed to wipe their how do you feel about comedy right now? You don't think the smoke screen cuz you're not getting laughs. Do you think you're being transgressive? What if you like any laugh you maybe you can please have a profit of philosopher. You can't stay here. If you're not listening laughter, that's not comedy businessmen of the Lenny Bruce time comedian. Everybody still wants to live in this.

00:42:31
Smoke Filled stayed with this guy is blowing the you know, the middle class people's minds people will try to be like that it like you said I made people uncomfortable when somebody who spoke against the Catholic Church what example that was pretty truth about that was nice, but today's not nearly what they were because the other thing to is there used to be in the 40s and 50s and 60s. You could ruin your career your career could be absolutely sure if you spoke truth to power if you got out of line if he were the Smothers Brothers famous.

00:43:31
Sample, and and your show was very vocally anti-war. It was on prime-time television on one of three Networks.

00:43:43
Hasn't been on social media and everybody gets death threats on social media. It's not like you to make themselves seem like I'm taking it, you know, if you want the median and the Ukraine right now power was actually consequences and the book with one of my favorite quotes about time, which I can't believe more people are exciting right now and I will get to that last night had some trouble the missus was unhappy I've heard about this. This is great heard about this. She says I should get a hamster and shove it up my ass.

00:44:34
Tries to fight its way out it would Street and oil and this will give new potency. That's my erections. Well off to the doctor. That was fun quote you put in there. I can't believe you put that in there.

00:44:51
Talk to the doctor by the way is right that this is a great.

00:44:57
Who does that fiction which is kind of relevant to today's hits you make is great point in the book. You're just going to bring it out that the United States cuz people keep everyone in this moment is is trying to figure out is this country on the precipice of something, you know cataclysmic and you said the u.s. Is a 50 Statewide couples counseling session and we're thinking about filing for divorce, but we're not sure and I thought that we are which is just as the price of being in America, which is a big country were extremely diverse country. We have completely different ecosystems on one land mass and completely different histories and values and so

00:45:57
Of course, it's messy I like a divorced couple we fight over money. That's true. We did it and then we realized hey, it's a 50-50 state is La she'll get half of what I've made. I'll have to keep doing the talk-show longer than me I'm saying I'm just saying this is my analogy for where I guess right now. And then why is this like wait, you know, what if you're so unhappy? What are you just leave and I'm like no no no Liza Liza powel O'Brien. We can't afford that. You know, I'm not going to be cut in half by Nashua and then the kids are crying back. It's like fuck you. Nevis like, you know, you're so selfish. You always about money can't you see moms crying and I'm like Wyatt. Anyway, that's America right now in my opinion and stuffing.

00:46:57
You know various people have various degrees of talents. Some people have a stunning amount of talent and some people have last some people you don't even know where they're coming from. But to me the game changer is who understands that it's about work and that's something that I think really has always set you apart. You're you're such a good thinker and writer and I look at this I think and I'll say it again about your plug. So many comedians can just put out a book and they may fill it up with some pictures and some quick funny ideas. And I know that they'll make a quick buck and you've got so many funny ideas in this book. It's really just loaded with them. I do feel if you put the effort in the truth will out to hate compliments compliments. I'm actually love you. How are you with criticism?

00:47:58
Live right you would say so now I'm terrible at people try to compliment me and I'll be the way that it's an insult to not take compliments very well. I don't know a woman get my husband darling. You look beautiful tonight.

00:48:28
It was true in the United Kingdom. I think in general, you know include Ireland Scotland Wales England, you can't and I think we all accept it. Occasionally. I'm around somebody I was talking to the great actor Malcolm McDowell recently and we know each other a little bit and he's just I think he's from Liverpool but he's just so funny and he was so great just right away picking up on cloning your ass. You're a fool, you know, I can't believe they let you on television. I'm laughing. I'm laughing and his wife is saying no no, stop it. Stop it. And then she started saying he doesn't mean it. He really does love you and I would have stayed her trust me. This is how we talk.

00:49:28
Do each other because the worst thing I could say to Malcolm McDowell as you know, you really are an amazing actor.

00:49:38
30 min or she said to me I really do think that you have a quick mind. I would never speak to him again how we are with each other book. I don't ever want to have to talk to you again.

00:49:58
Charlie want you out of my life, but it's not. How do I do it and then I had occurred to me. I know I'll just tell him how much I love you book.

00:50:08
And I'll tell him I read it when I haven't read a book and the book. I'm going to read this because I love this the end that it's up to us America and you do it in this great way, which is you quote. My favorite person is Abraham Lincoln and he says all the armies of Europe and Asia could not by force take a drink from the Ohio River or make a track on the Blue Ridge in the trial of a thousand years know if destruction be our lot. We must ourselves be as author and finisher as a nation of freemen. We will live forever or die by Suicide. That's how you end your book and I was so I like cheered up when I read that because it's one of my favorite quotes Lincoln understood no one's conquering this country and destroying it except us. So weird that we've been here before. I think the internet

00:51:08
Is what's accelerating everything and making it much more intense, but we've been here before and with any luck. If we get to keep going we'll be in this place again. Last time was an alcoholic President. We need a president. That's an alcoholic like Ulysses S Grant's can you expound on that place?

00:51:33
I'd love to just say oh, yeah, of course, but I'm not going to cuz I don't know what you're talkin about. I mean somebody while everybody's freaking out and we said, oh my God exacerbating or was just tension freaking out.

00:51:56
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ron chernow's recent book Grant was not stumbling around the White House all the time burping and knocking off cancer forties and like banging them around the floor and say that's fine. That's not who he was. Just wondering if that's the lovable drunk to do anything about the country in that ended up being a good thing. Is that what you're saying right house? I guarantee Ron chernow was disappointed when he started doing it.

00:52:48
Second floor of the getting totally trashed and then he found out yeah, he's trouble with alcohol and it was a problem, but he really had it under control and he's feeling a lot of a lot of restraint and yeah, yes, and then there were these interesting issues to this isn't a good book. This is a terrible book.

00:53:25
Can be a good idea. A lot of look up Winston Churchill. I mean Yahoo! Sleep issues. My favorite. My favorite quotes about Churchill was I asked a friend of his do you think Churchill an alcoholic and his friend said, oh my God. I know no alcoholic could drink that much.

00:53:56
It's like she doesn't drink doesn't smoke during takes all that subliminal psychological that psychotic thing and focuses on the country. Yes it be better if he was drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes self-loathing would be channeled into these vices. He starts drinking heavily. The next president is going to be one question cuz we're about out of time. But this entire interview you've been holding a stack of money and waving around in my face to make points and it looks like a couple of fives 5 10 15, 20 25 30 in there and you were waving it around. Why are you I'm not a stripper. Why are you

00:54:57
Is simply $7. Okay. Okay. Why are you holding $67 in your hand and pointing it at me when you make a point to stay with my performance?

00:55:21
As a man of letters, I think about him even I didn't know what I was doing Lincoln there is to see money. I see history. Okay? Okay. Wow, you just change me. She's just saying to me is so full of shit. I love it. I love it.

00:55:55
Amazing poet. I love you, but when he couldn't get it up anymore. Out a rat and a hamster and shove it up his ass and I can't when I read Yates, which I do from time to time that something I think about how badly do you want an erection how badly I don't want up there.

00:56:44
You're a great man, You really are the book is overstated a Coast-to-Coast roast of the 50 states and you know what, it's really funny and I will say elegiac and packed with great imagery and intelligence and a fine piece of work from a fine man, Thank you so much for doing this for Christ's sake next time we talk. I want you to be prepared. I want you to have a real computer, you know, we'd see this through a Commodore and it up to rabbit ears from its from a TV set from 1967.

00:57:36
Thank you Colin Quinn. Thank you so much.

00:57:44
Everybody, it's your pal. Conan O'Brien. That's that that's seems like I'm supposing there my pal. They might not be you. Don't think you're

00:57:53
baby randomly trying is podcast out. I think they're all your friends. Okay. Hey everybody. It's your acquaintance Conan. Tell you about a new Team Coco Originals web series featuring some of her favorite stand-up comedians from Conan on TBS. He's sweet, supervising producer JD Buck is going to sit down with a different comedian to re-watch and rehash that they performed on the show that you'll find out how comedians works out there, Joe how their friends and family reacted how JP help shape their stats and what their experience was Backstage on Conant. I'm a big believer in showing people to process and if you're interested in comedy or just a fan this would be a really good exercise to check this out this season shape he's going to be going back to me is Daniel Sloss Fest Stelling Solomon, Georgio, Jena Friedman and more you can find full episodes of the set up weekly on the Team Coco live Instagram page and on team Coco's YouTube idea.

00:58:56
Hey best selling his first hour-long stand-up special is currently streaming on HBO Max. And if you haven't watched it get to it. This is the real deal. She is a true Talent her specialist full of honesty as well as some wild and hilarious stories. I couldn't be more proud to have helped produce this project and all we did was really give Beth the microphone and shine a light on her and she did it all and has gotten so much praise for the special best-selling girl daddy is on HBO Max now and we are very proud of her go. Check it out.

00:59:39
I wanted to alert you guys to an article that's been written about Conan O'Brien needs a friend to give me the gist like, oh you are hated or you dodged another bullet. What's this one? Well, you don't need to worry even after I give you the gist about being able to decipher what the point is because it's from The Pledge Times article and it's clearly been translated from another language by an AI or Google or something into English and I can't really slow down because I don't understand what that means. When was originally written in another language but some kind of platform box translated it into what it thinks is English and when I read some of that you're going to understand what I mean, OK Google translated for an article about our podcast. This is so I can figure let's see if we can decipher some of it. So these are just highlights. All right identified for his personal TV. Speak present American Conan O'Brien.

01:00:39
immediately makes top-of-the-line podcasts on this planet

01:00:50
How many Americans speak present I am an American TV speak presents. That's right. How what number of podcasts are there on a dozen? Random Avenue customers? No less than 13 so far. I understand everything my brother Luke talks by the way Luke, if you're out there, this is what you sound like to me.

01:01:14
Provision of podcast is so overflowing that there are in all probability an infinite variety of high-quality podcasts as nicely. We have a good podcast, but there is so many of them out there that are really good. It doesn't really matter which one you listen to.

01:01:34
Your guess is as good as mine good podcast podcast of great podcasts out there. Who are we to say where any better than any of them? I guess. I personally I've left and this is all one word media maze in my knee just one podcast, which I pay attention recurrently. It's Conan O'Brien one's a buddy.

01:02:06
Colonel Brian ones that buddy buddy buddy. Okay, well

01:02:14
gutter with his assistant II presenter the podcast Sona movsesian with normally simply going through the

01:02:24
what are we going to get?

01:02:30
Start again. It's crucially important listen with normally simply going through the stink.

01:02:41
Well, is it not true that you normally simply are going through the sting?

01:02:50
You've revealed statistics reporter. You clearly had some sort of.

01:02:57
You spoke to them and you revealed a lot about yourself into the episodes Conan's speak present profession has turned to the conditional aspect. He was close to the highest for a very long time pop proper on high and rapidly dropped out of there because the countless stupidity of the present Enterprise pamphlets wait, so I was I was doing well and then I popped out because of the present Enterprise pamphlets and Phil but I mean, we all know that but it's really philosophical here following that apparently nevertheless each wall. Actually, Isadora as now Conan makes top of the line podcast.

01:03:57
on this planet

01:04:00
Okay, so I fell but the door but then that kind of the wall but that had a door through it and then I became a podcaster failed as a TV host thrived in the podcast medium.

01:04:23
Yes, yes. Yes. Apparently I felt a weird mixture of self belittling openness to psychological well-being comedian language historical past fanaticism, lightning-fast improvisation and a community gathered through the years of one of many brightest friends match into an intimate podcast format higher than another dialogue I've ever heard the computer became alive because I'm still good computer was like a broke through and said damn it is human is worth saving or like this is the moment that Skynet becomes self-aware. And the first thing it's chosen is Conan that was a beautiful sins in his own way and very true and I do think I think the robots are becoming self-aware.

01:05:19
I think the internet's becoming self-aware. And the first thing it's doing is saying Conan O'Brien is a great pie Caster of all humans. He should be the king when we take over. Is that what you guys go? Yeah. I'm getting mad where is going to say was I think it's really nice that all those things come across even though they don't seem to understand English dating humor your improv skills. It's nice that it is it okay that I failed with my media pamphlets adore. I'm so far. I'm okay with this review. This is one of the nicer reviews I've ever heard and I think it gets better from here as well as codons fashion Works hire in longer interviews, then briefly speak present grunts. I haven't laughed with another podcast.

01:06:19
As a lot extremely the head of Conan's profession is outdoors of TV Conan O'Brien wants a buddy on all the main podcast companies list of all the scientists read a little bit like ee cumings stream-of-consciousness kind of thing. Yeah. It's a little Ulysses Finnegans Wake a sort of teamed with an old modem and its melting down in it.

01:07:00
You didn't ask for a better review that's really good times. And that's those are just selected highlights though, if that's when I go and I hope it's not for a long time. But when I go so not look into it. I want it, you know everyone to come show up. Sorry, but yes the caskets there and then they put this computer a bundle up on the altar now six feet under Conan was once its eyes pamphlet in ground Conan live no more unbeat. Clown Jewish propaganda fell now forever God's arms holding.

01:07:48
Or worms. I knew him Horatio slowly.

01:07:59
Fortunate not mentioned press pamphlet secret Brian with belt self jokes.

01:08:09
Lisa O'Brien found old poster Farrah Fawcett computer mistake just made white crying trust me. I'll do I'll fake it. I'll take my desk please a computer. I want a computer. I want to see I want to be like a bad late seventies, door early 80s, and I want it. I want it. I was dressed in a black suit and put up there with his computer.

01:08:54
Secrets in the computer for some reason it talks about me very briefly and then goes into the the embarrassing way that I died and it goes on for 2 hours cuz it gets stuck in a cycle and people like my wife leaves. My kids are ushered out and it just keeps going on and on Belt used color of the bells of Christmas credible. That's fantastic. I salute you for bringing that to our attention. That is a joy Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sona movsesian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam sacks. Joanna seletar off and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris been in a Dire Wolf theme song by The White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy vivino are supervising producer.

01:09:54
Aaron Blair and our associate Talent producer is Jennifer samples the shows engineer by will becton you can rate and review this show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message if you could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcast Stitcher or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

01:10:26
This has been a team Coco production in association. With who?

01:10:26
This has been a team Coco production in association. With who?

00:00:04
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