Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend - Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 5

On another Summer S’mores special, Conan and the Chill Chums discuss the perfect murder.

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00:03:26
Jim Gaffigan's new special called the available to watch now on Amazon Prime video. Jim goes to Spain and Canada. He meets the locals learn about their culture and then transforms all of that experience introduced and upset. I didn't have you laughing with delight. So right now watch Jim Gaffigan the pale tourist only on Amazon Prime video brand new shoes Walking Blues kind of fun books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

00:04:13
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

00:04:17
Okay, Brian here. And this is a very special sort of addition or offshoot of Conan O'Brien needs a friend. It's summer edition little something little traits. We call Summer s'mores with Conan and the chill champs. This is meant to be just an extra bonus going to help me get to the summer. It's very hot out there. And of course we also have the added irritation shouldn't call irritation. But irritation of quarantine now is Accused last weekend. I I don't know this is up to the listener to decide but I was accused by Mike and Patriots the chill jams of not being very chill and and being sort of Ratchet it up and coming in hot and that may be the case. I don't know. I'm humble enough to accept that I am despite credible powers and flawed and so it's possible that I was not show last week and if that's the case, I'm sorry, and I will try to be more.

00:05:17
During this episode. I'll do the best I can so with that in mind. Let's let's begin. So now it's nice to have you on the show. Yeah. Okay. You see me? Okay, we were just talking about murder in the summer. And so I realize that's not a very chill topic. So I have nothing to say right now before we came on the air in the air before we pressed record. Whatever is the correct format. What's the correct term forgive you for that? Okay. I don't understand the podcast format. I actually still don't understand television after doing it for 27 years. So you'll forgive me if I if I'm a little clumsy in my wording. But before we started we're all just chatting and of course, I would say the one thing the three of us really have in common is a maybe a lot of people have this but we all are very obsessed with murder.

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Love and I don't love murder. I mean that's a terrible thing to say. Yes in a perfect world. I would be able to murder but I understand it lyrics Social conventions and laws, and I don't want to go to prison. So I will not murder despite my murder.

00:06:43
I'm a constant voice in my head that says murder murder. You know, it's what you want. You know, it's what you're good at in a very chill way.

00:06:56
Hey, you did come in very chill this episode. I want to see you didn't come in hot and you know, what? My phone is still very chill as I tell you that my greatest. My greatest desire in life is to go to wantonly murder. Rob other people live their lives and get away with it. So there you go. And I'm just saying that if you did murder and someone came up to me and said, hey, did you ever think you'd be the kind of guy you'd murder I feel like yes. Absolutely. He talks about murder all the time. What is interesting? Is that Sona you know, I hired Sona we all do things would later regret but I kidding I'm kidding I necessary necessary. I love you song about I did hire you and one of the things we did early on because I had just moved out to Los Angeles. This is like 11 years ago.

00:07:56
At least we got to Los Angeles son and I were I think we were somewhere in the car together because we had to do something and you said oh wait. This is near the the, you know, the scene of the first Manson Murders, you know that on Cielo drive and everything but we both knew every single detail of Manson and the whole history of Madison and that's when we realized okay, this is something we have in common we have many things that where that were aren't uncommon. We're we're we're not alike I could go on at length about those. You know, I cherish America. Oh, wow. Okay, whatever.

00:08:56
Eva street racing the steps, but we knew all the people in the car. We knew then you know about what they did the next night. We knew we knew everything and then I realized that whenever I'm traveling are going anywhere are the first thing I try and look for is a Forensic Files because they show one after another after another after another and I just watched those and I'm fascinated with that stuff in that you have some interest in Murder in the place where the Night Stalker did his night stocking in Whittier, and so it was really kind of big in the community. Obviously at the time that was a big story. That was a big thing and my wife was in a play with a guy who did a double murder and dismembered the bodies and spread them throughout a park. Chill. Oh my God to me last week for not being chill way. You deliver it. I said the sky.

00:09:56
The murder and that's that's okay though. I'm just coming, you know coming in cool. Who did he murder? Why was what was the play?

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Arsenic and Old Lace later on his name is Dan Wozniak. He's on death row and he was this really kind of creepy director-actor in community theater. And yeah, and he said he was getting married and he wanted money for a honeymoon. And so he went and took a guy in his apartment complex to an old Cedar and shot him and then tried to frame his kind of girlfriend for the murder and then killed her and try to make it look like a double money making scheme.

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Every time you read about a murder or hear about a murder or watch a documentary about a murder 90% of the time the person's psyche. I'm going to go and like killing these four people. I'll get $600 and my chances of being caught are only 90%

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make a return on investment is not good. What I do is I slice them to death with my driver's license and then leave that behind II choking to death with my tax return and then leave that in the body stupidest. I love my DNA on DNA killer my token. What I do is I have these return address stickers that I've had made for my envelopes. And what I do is I cover their whole body with my name and return address their pores can't get any Oxygen in a slowly suffocate. Then I go back home to the apartments that's listed on the return address labels never text me from my Tesla, which is linked to my

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IPhone and I make them eat it.

00:12:15
Can I leave because I've left my key of my Tesla there I walk home. But first I paint my shoes with fluorescent paint because that's just my fun criminal twist. And then I go home and I say good luck catching me. There's very little except flourescent paint on my shoes and my Tesla key and my Tesla outside the apartment.

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Respond to come up with a list of like the worst worst kind of dumb. I think most I'm going to say something controversial most murderers are not smart serial killers on the other hand. That's something to say. I think it's safe to say murderers aren't smart. There are many better ways to many better Hobbies. Let's just put it that way. Any better. I be obsessed with murder my whole life. I was on that show a podcast my favorite murder with Karen and Georgia and they have an amazing podcast if you sure you've checked it out cuz it's really popular, but they have me on their podcast and they know everything about murder and I think halfway through the podcast they were put off by how I knew way too much.

00:13:44
They were just like oh, that's creepy. I mean I managed I think to creep them out because his friend randomly bring up, you know like Bob Crane from Hogan's Heroes Merlot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was bludgeoned to death. I know all about that one to buy his creepy friend, but I don't think we're allowed to say it was him because he was a podcast of record to make sure that we go to the legal Shoreline is as closely as possible. This is the podcast where you said you wanted to murder someone just to be clear. I think it's not illegal to desperately want to murder to have that be your lifelong dream. And in fact, the only thing you think about day and night and the one thing that you think would bring you closest to the Sun.

00:14:44
The god I don't think it's wrong to say that that's what I want. I'm just say I'm not going to do it. But oh my God if I could murder.

00:15:00
Tony what's your perfect murder? I mean just Pie in the Sky. What are you going to do? Well, I'm glad you asked can I guess what your favorite murder someone who would want to strangle because you would want to look at their eyes as the Life Escapes their body as I'm strangling you the first meeting and I left the ball and I started choking the life out of him and I started to see the light go out of your eyes when Adam Jeff Ross in a few other people physically restrained me, you know, how I want to kill you cuz that did you ever see You Only Live Twice and they they put a little spool of thread from the rafters down while you're sleeping and then you drop poison just down onto your lips and then I just watched the life slowly drained out.

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What are you criticize my form of murder. Cuz you been hiding up there for a long time. Do you have any United high up there for a long time? Cuz you had to watch me to takes me forever to get to sleep should have to watch me do all kinds of sick things before just to fall asleep. And then finally I fall asleep and you be like in stool your little thread and then you would trickle down and I'm a pretty sound sleeper. So you wouldn't notice the point of death and I would just I sleep like a dead person and so they're going to make when I said just watched him go from sleep to what looks like more sleep how satisfying I guess. I'll creep out of here through this air duct what we talkin about. You know what just to have you Dad is enough for me, I think.

00:16:51
I don't really care. You know, I have thought if I was ever to kill Conant I would to slowly poison him over a. Of time by with his lunches that we go by proxy like you I get the lunch from the interns drizzle little I don't know what poison they bring me is going to kill me. If I don't know. It's just say some of the food we get there at the lot whatever but I mean like actually kill you slowly and you know, I would sit there and eat lunch with you and watches you just kind of get sick over a course of time and then, you know event to know how I would get her to time. What if what if you're doing it's so swollen and so carefully that finally it kicks in when I'm like 94

00:17:44
I want to change my nana stay at the James Bond thing. I'm going to put you naked in a bottomless chair beat your balls with a carpet beater.

00:17:55
Well, I think now we're getting closer to Matt's true fantasy cuz he's finally got my clothes off and he's handling my testicles. So now at least at least you're being honest now that was going to kill him. That was just going to buy my case. It would kill me. That would kill me with my testicles were smashed. But so let's just say I have to say I came in hot today and I apologize. I might take it back. I don't want people to think of me differently. Now that they know that my only true real purpose in life is to murder and murder against randomly.

00:18:55
They grew up watching or been watching for the last almost 30 years. Just that friendly guy who secretly wants to roam the countryside stealing life with little remorse mainly in the Pacific Northwest. That's where stuff seems to go down the most it's always the Pacific Northwest and I think it's cuz it's raining a lot for nia24 murder was the Star Sign Guy Zodiac Zodiac Zodiac Killer might be that California has a very large State and there was a large. Of time there where it was less populated and had a lot of Highways and Interstate and a lot of people who weren't native.

00:19:55
To California so you could come here and be kind of anonymous do something and then just jump on the highway and be somewhere else completely. So that's why I moved to California is buy ice ice tight. I felt like yeah, this is good. I could get know I could move quickly. I could get from gourley's house right on to the 134 the 128 to the 22062 Los Coyotes no chase Canyon Rialto Ave. And then I could make my way down the coast line and be near Casas kekoka very quickly. The block from our house and that people were murdered their turn of the century and they used to call a lake a spooning like which is like a euphemism for were people would go and screw around like do it. Yeah. I like to do it at school.

00:20:49
Are you sure spooning means doing it? But it did in this article. I read that that was the the term that they would use like how you know necking for making out kind of thing spooning men spooning, but with no clothes like sporking. I love it back in the day making love meant just flirting with someone wise men really you were at a party and we're sort of flirting with her a little bit and I just spent hours making love to you and you still have no interest in me. You know what it's this weird time when making love of course now, no one even says that anymore why you made love to me on the porch last night and this is how you treat me and yes, exactly exactly what you made love to me on that swing and I used to think. Wow, that guy's an athlete but no it didn't mean that at all. You know, that that guy's double hinged.

00:21:49
Enjoying life for second and you both told me I don't like that. Stop it. Stop it. Woo. That's a weird phrase to pack back when he was wooing you he would come to your apartment. And what you do is he'd have call on your apartment cuphead calling your apartment and if what he would do is tap would come to your apartment and to be a landlady and he would leave his card. That would be the first in my fact then you left your card. You know now people just send a dick pic but back then you left your card. And then the landlady would say this person left a card for you and then you don't even respond to the card. He then has to come back later on after he's left his card once maybe like 3 years later and then he has to

00:22:49
He's wearing a high starched collar and he waits for you in the Parlor and then you go and you sit with him for a little bit and you exchange a little bit of information about each other but there's no touching and then he leaves and then he comes back like a year later. That's that's what it used to be. Like that's what it was like and that's what it was like for me growing up. Did you ever pitch? Woo I did think I was the best Wu picture you ever saw. I picked me some Wu, I was knee-deep in picture. Sorry man doesn't really work. Well man. I pitched me some food back in the day note to somebody in school and was like, do you like me check yes or no? And you know I had to do that once for a friend of mine and she liked it the hottest guy in school and I had a she wanted me to give him a note.

00:23:49
It said do you want to go out with me? Yes or no, and then he made a new box and wrote hell. No it was and I had to give it back to her and it was horrible terrible give it back to her because he responded and I didn't wanted it. I don't know I just felt like just doing my duty. I don't know if I had seen the hell. No, I don't think I would have returned it to her. I just would have said I lost it but and he is really interested. He has syphilis. What grade was this? This is an elementary school. So he's got syphilis.

00:24:30
They traveled in in Europe in the 1880s. He got syphilis. You hurt your friend. I've met a lot of your friends. Do I know that friend is I don't keep in touch with anymore. Hell no and she said well, that's it for me and walked away and no one seen her since nice job. So now what about the guy who played Mary why he's the guy

00:25:09
Also respond right check. Yes. You got some white out and waited it out and then wrote hell knowing you did that you gave it to her and then you started your when your plan to get together and get it on with tactec. Azizian. Yeah, it's not his last name. It seems like it. No, you can't name now. That's not how it works. But yeah, no idea. That was awful. I still remember it. I would ask you guys if you gave notes to girls. Like I know the answer. Hey, I passed a note to my wife 3 weeks ago because I've been married 18 years and it said do you like me? You know check? Yes. No, and she just didn't get it back. You still thinking about it.

00:26:00
Rusty doing quarantine, very passionate couple that I'm just saying we're both very warm blooded. Well, it's time to wrap this one up. Sorry can't handle the passion between my wife and I and he got all our marriage now can't. Please stop crazy. I'm sorry. I said you guys didn't give notes to girls but just feel like you both are really shy still listening. If you're still listening. Can you please call anybody who might also have been listening and stopped and tell them cone is a very sensual animal like a my computer screen is sweating right now to see everyone's uncomfortable just like a jungle cat on the prowl. Oh my God.

00:27:00
Matt yetter banned from the podcast understand just for a while just for about six years. Okay, I'll still get paid a tenth of your salary at actually be a fair trade that works for you. Okay? Well, that was a I think I was more chill you were you were and I think we can even do better next time cuz that's our last chill Chums episode. So we got to get you all the way there. Yeah, you're super chill talking about how you want to murder and stuff. That was really cool and chill and stuff subject not chill, but you're very chill zone. So yeah, let's wrap up. This one and I are going to try to be even more chill and that's going to be you should tune in because that would be the most chill I've ever been I may even take something before we before we do it like an herbal tea nothing illegal.

00:27:56
Okay, that's it for now.

00:27:59
Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sona movsesian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam sacks and Jeff brought the Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris been in a Dire Wolf theme song by The White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy vivino are supervising producer is Aaron bleyaert and our associate producer is Jennifer samples the shows engineer by will becton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message if you could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcast Stitcher or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

00:28:52
This has been a team Coco production in association. With who?

00:29:04
This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

00:29:04
This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

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