Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend - W. Kamau Bell

Comedian and writer W. Kamau Bell feels cautiously optimistic, but still not great about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.   Kamau sits down with Conan to talk about meeting Anthony Bourdain, doing bits with his kids, and tolerating discomfort. Later, Conan’s assistant Sona recounts losing her wallet.   Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (323) 451-2821. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit

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Everybody you are officially invited to see our free virtual stand-up show hosted by a really good friend comedian Moses. Storm. Moses is hilarious. One of my favorites. Absolutely brilliant comedian. I Team Coco live Moses and friends are as every other Thursday on Tim Cook was twitch YouTube and Facebook channels. You can also watch the next day on King Coco lives Instagram past guests have included Chris Redd from Sarah Night Live Joel Kim booster from search party Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and the Fantastic Jenny zigrino. Follow Team Coco live on Instagram for announcements on upcoming shows and guess you'll be happy you did.

Hi, my name is W kamau Bell.

And I feel cautiously optimistic but not so great about being Conan O'Brien friends.

Ring my bell walking blue kind of fence books and pens need friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. This is the start of season 3 of this podcast. I cannot believe it's been three seasons already at is flying by is it is honestly no joke, one of the most fun experiences I've ever had. I'm really enjoying it and here to the people that add a lot to the joy of doing this job. I medicated by Theory and of course our a producer engineer intern engineer your producer extraordinaire does a very good job. He's the Maestro. I call him Matt Gourley and I thought I thought I'd come over there like an interesting nickname in an hour later. If someone told me now, that's just your name.

I want to be away from it that long it's it's really fun. And boy am I jumped into a podcast a couple weeks ago with Tom Hanks is just kind of a surprise and some of the season I think it's because he's not a big enough star. I guess I guess you've done stuff and I'm still not sure who he is.

That was an amazing. That was just a treat for the middle of the summer and then but I am really excited to to be back a little less filtered a little less kind and polite to both of you.

3 will be

who is Sanjay our promise to you your solemn oath is that you? Yeah, you know what's funny I come from home and and we're working at Earwolf Studios your in Los Angeles and no one's here. Everything's been cleaned. We're doing it. Very responsibly Gourley. You are not with me right now as soon as you are with me, but it's you're more than 60 which is the way it always liked it.

Maintain this distance at least not even 6 at least 10 feed 10 years ago before so she she knew something was really nice to be here. But it's funny. I get the same amount of I want to say contempt to sort of healthy skepticism from everybody. So I'm at home with my kids and my son is 14 and everything is Boomer Boomer anytime I make a mistake. He's on me and my daughter is really good at a kill you like side eye and if they're not interested and not long ago, my wife wasn't in the house and I was there and I was in charge and I tried to do a bit with them and she was like kids kids would get together and I really commit to it everybody come here and they both came together and you're like what in the end when my son said is it's a bit or is it real nice and I can really committed to it I said

I'm really serious look and when I said look, they both went to bed and walked away and it was a bit. I was going to go on a long bit about how I don't see who has been given the respect that your mother gets it if I wasn't serious but it's because I put up my hands in a little bit of a a little bit of a towel that really has been with the same time and walk yourself back to the song before. She said something like I said, like well, I think we're going to be really good at my daughter who's for sits at the time said cut to what happened. I'm very excited. I guess it is absolutely hilarious comedian and writer who is the host and executive producer of the Emmy award-winning CNN series United shades of America. He's also the author of the book the author

Thoughts of w kamau Bell has a stand-up special on Netflix private school negro. I'm thrilled he is with us.

W kamau Bell welcome

Okay, I understand cautiously optimistic because that should be anyone's approach to me. I understand they're not so great was that all about? I don't know if it's old and I understand that the podcast but in this time of coronavirus and pandemic I can use a new friend but I feel like maybe this is just a Hustle but it's which is fine. But I just want to be prepared for that. It is a hospitalist. My side hustle is always talking about her side hustles. And so I love that term. I mean, I'm always saying why were you late and should be like that was doing the voiceover for an anime cartoon is my side hustle. And so yes my side hustle might be getting you to be my friend give you some new terminology. I will be your side piece to your side Hustle.

I love you have at once.

I know I thought it was like a side piece of land that I would have known it was adjacent to my property my wife. I really want a side piece and she's losing a really hard and I know the small plot of land near our home is for sale like to move my girlfriend on and I would say I don't understand what's going on why I would like us to be friends and I do say this sincerely. I think we have a lot of things in common. I really do and then I started reading a little bit about your past and I found found out that in a weird way you grew up as sort of the way I did meaning you were kind of Unsure how you fit into the world. And if I had to say there was one thing that it turned out to be a gift in my adult life is that when I was a kid, I didn't have any I didn't know where I sit.

You would assume maybe for a second that I was a good athlete until I quickly try to hold the ball or do something with it. And and I kept thinking people would say, where are you and I'm like no, I don't think I am or are you the Archie Andrews sort of popular guy not really know. Are you good with the girls? And I don't know. What do I do? I don't know who I am. Is it that your experience a little bit or why don't you tell me nothing of that is my experience. I see still play for a sports. I'm going to the NBA bubble. I'm starting for the Orlando Magic. I don't know how you didn't find all this stuff out. My Wikipedia is pretty long. I really apologize.

Relate to the only child. We are moved around a lot with my mom. So I always feel like an outsider and when I was by myself, I felt totally comfortable but they will not be around other people. I would be acting couple of it. Maybe like that's weird. Why you acting that way I learned to sort of like I got to keep this whatever this is I got to keep it to myself. So yeah, I definitely was not the popular kid, but I was also not the straight-A student, you know, people should have thought I was cuz I was quiet and bookish but I was not like, you know, so I said, I do have any like, I don't know where I'm going to fit in in this life. I wanted to be a comedian but you know, we're the generation word like you couldn't Google what that was right about you is right. So you just said was like maybe one day I accidentally fall into a comedy club. I didn't know how to do you know how to make that happen. So I didn't know what I went to college to be an East Asian Studies major just because I like Bruce Lee like there were supposed.

First of all, that is the past economy for most of us got into East Asian studies and Houston in Boston in you I did I was in Boston from around like 4 to 12 or so. Yeah about 4 to 12. So I have forwarded years in Boston, but it's been such a long time that I was there. It feels weird to say that I was you know that I'm from Boston. I wouldn't say that but yeah, I'd really good cuz I got to spend some time with some key racist places in America except for my career. It's like it's good to have spent some time in Boston cuz it's like that's one of America that's a specific type of races of Mayors. I mentioned racism in Boston in the same sentence about a friendship. I don't know what you're talking about.

side of the boat busing when I was there in the 70s and there was a picture that you know, when people talk about racism in Boston and I still go back to Boston because my friend lives there in in Brookline and effort people sort of almost kind of want to resist Boston had racial issues and I think the most iconic racist photographs of the 70s and and fought for and fought for like 10 days and said, how can we enact the most racist scenario possible and I think you know what I'm talkin about Tarantino did it critics would say that part's too far-fetched and it's a real photo and we're laughing during the height of the busing and and and

Fighting fighting about race and everything there was some kind of demonstration or something in downtown Boston and this very well-dressed black gentleman that he got a briefcase. He's a lawyer or is he's a professional fees Waukee he was walking through and his mob guy was really angry and two guys grabbed or three guys grab an American flag and try and charge him and white try to stab him with an American flag. No, I'm not sure but I don't think he was hurt but someone took a picture and you know, what a Pulitzer and white bostonians trying to be charging and shrines and using the American flag as a weapon against this man whose clear cookies just on his way to work or back from work and how do you say it is disturbing image? But it's also a so, I mean, it's almost I mean this is where is almost beautiful and how perfect it is to go.

America hold on have you seen this photo?

It sums it up in one image and the factors of atography cuz it's like the perfect moment. Also it is the irony in that photo and you do think okay if I encountered anybody who said I don't think there's racism essay. Tell me what you see when you see this Photograph. Well, they're just trying to show the man with the pointy end pointed towards him. That's just a coincidence and quickly, please professional and has been since that's why does your family move out of Boston? I'd say that picture

That's all you needed some sick of Boston and that aspect of it cuz he felt like it's also like so provincial even the black people Boston act like they came over on the Mayflower and it was way they look down at you looked at me because you have your family wasn't brought here on the boat. So we my family was brought here on the boat. You can't come to my social Gathering you were supposed to be on the same team. I don't know about that. So yes the week we move from Boston to Chicago which was the which my mom literally like I need to go to a black or Place Chicago in 1984 was that place? Because I sense that we had probably similar interests, you know growing like I

Me there's something about insecurity at an early age. Just not knowing what your Niche is not having a niche is really good for developing comedy muscle feeling like an outsider in every place. You're every room you're in is a really great muscle is really great way to develop comedy cuz if you feel dysfunctional and his ways to process that dysfunction and comedies are great way to sort of balance out your feeling of dysfunctionality. Got it. Like I really feel like being an only child is actually if all things being equal if there wasn't a sense of like structure and society and caste system in America. Only child would be the way I would have been if I myself because I feel like that's the thing that ultimately I feel like Separates Me from other people is that I grew up being my own my own desk cancel my own company and feeling like I was always sort of on the outside of people of other people so

But you know that's America doesn't police don't pull you over for being only child, you know, did you get to watch all of the TV you want it. At the stair step out of your car?

Steering wheel never wore clothes that were worn by anyone else first. But yeah, I'll be back up because the people that were supposed to be my clique. We're not my clique. What was your situation? Can you relate to that? Because I mean is it funny? I feel like when I'm basically the same age is hip hop born and I remember when like a Rapper's Delight first-round the radio and I would like memorize every word and then we're that's that's enough for me and I never really engaged again until like the 90s when I started but so when hip-hop was really booming. I was more interested in the young comedians special on HBO. That's a good song by NWA, but have you seen Jan karon?

After Rapper's Delight you decided I think that's it for rap.

I'm going any further. He was kind of like Charlton Heston in so many ways. I am also a spokesperson for the NRA you have that that really good comedy brainy refreshed you ever fantasize about or store get tempted to do something that completely wouldn't fit with people think about you just tuna mean like the NRA because it will be fucking freak people out all the thoughts are equal at some point in your head. And then if you get lucky and have a career in your careers would have goes in a direction and some of those. That used to grab on just cuz they were funny.

That one go, you know, I got to let the dog out of a bed with slide. That's not I think about things all the time that I was like really committed to and thankfully never recorded anywhere. I think I will cancel myself like is comedian. It's some point I'll just mature it's all just like lady you're working with but then when you have a career you go this is the claim that I sell with my friends. We say all sorts of things that you know, and that's why I think it's good to have those friends. You can say all those things and they don't go hold on. I got to go call TMZ, you know, they just you know, they eat they actually just let you be you right just before we got on the call. You mentioned that you you had a run-in with TMZ and I've had a run-in like I've had a couple like a run in like I coming out of a comedy club, but this was a

See an interview that I did for TMZ on the TMZ TV show. What's the weather in Nashville? And in the show did not go great and I came out of the club and I was like outside the club with some guy with the camera guy from TMZ. I got a couple questions for you and I'm like, how bad is your beat that you're in Nashville, some of the biggest country music stars on the in the world and you were sent to come out Bail shifts.

I just feel bad for you. I just don't know like Taylor Swift Blake Shelton, right? There's all these people you can talk to you when you get into the game today between a Polish. Oh, yeah, so but yesterday was actually I've been interviewed by TMZ. They called me for interviews like once when I'm broiling United Shades and it's weird. I was always afraid of like, why would they want me on TMZ but they clearly use me as the like when you have a fancy meal and they give you the Cucumber or whatever it is. They're like clear your palate is to have the smart conversations and they go back to the other.

What is traffic like there's a government-mandated there has to be at least 30 seconds of intelligence to Snooki while she was getting up off the sidewalk bring only a song and throwing up and and so we got it just quickly cut away.

Harvey Levin's like mouth. How do we solve structural racism in America read the books that you can ask questions of, you know, one of those people whose names I don't know cuz I don't try to follow that stuff Kardashian. She just started heat you had an incredible deep knowledge people and I want to get better. I know which Kardashian is with an event. This is like it when I first got the CNN did United Shades Hollywood Reporter Roundtable reality television round table and this was years ago and you'll know how is yours ago? I was Bakelite called me to do it and they said that like Tony Bourdain was going to be there and I was like, oh, well, I'll definitely do it cuz I hadn't met him yet. I had to show in the United States per year and I was like great I get to hang out with Tony. I haven't met him and I've been wanting and I've been a fan of his since before the show and then

I got there and it was a bunch of other reality television people and I got there and Tony is standing on the corner talking to the Publix is from from CNN and she's a little tiny lady and he's as tall guy and she's like pointing in his face like likely like like sort of like like brown like looking like a teacher talking to a student who just failed and I expected more of you and you just what it looks like and I woke up like a man. He's like, yeah, I got to go and he leaves what did I walk in and you just so he doesn't do the event and I walked in and she's like

We had some previously scheduled business and I like I can tell a lie when I hear it.

When I walk into a recording the interview and I walked past like the green room that has everybody's name on a piece of paper and one of them says Kris Kardashian and I was like, oh shit cuz I knew he hate he like hated the Kardashians either. I think she got booked at the last minute. He like I can't sit and I found out he was like, I can't sit at a table with a member of the Kardashian and he just walked out and he was bounced and I thought it was one of the greatest things of all time that I would even now I have a bunion on my foot is healing up nicely the discovery of fire as a way that one of us is okay.

I saw Andy Bourdain leave as seen in public cuz he didn't want to stomach a Kris Kardashian. I saw that happen and I was like that dude is knows who he is and I wish I had that much Integrity. Anyway, I'm a go in there. Talk to Kris Kardashian RuPaul hurt her some other people Leah Remini Kris Kardashian gave everybody gift bags, like wish I was like like two handed everybody like in like was like it was invited. I mean

She did she really just showed us all up to go. You can bring a gift bag gift bags and she had gift bags of like whatever Kylie's new lip kit was she had everybody really a gift.

What's the name of the father's great business nominate?

Did anybody hand out random gift bags? That weren't a kid's birthday party or a wedding? So I was pretty impressed at the time when we were you were there to one when I did Bonnaroo years ago and the big thing there was there was this big trailer and and I'm trying to think it was just like dr. Dre or it was like a tractor-trailer truck. It was all fitted out with air conditioning everything and people were invited to go in and they could pick out whatever they wanted and I'm never like to take anything because I it's very complicated this way. I was acting like I have to write a note. I don't I don't understand how it all works the end. So even if someone gave me like here's a freecoaster, you know that says the name of their podcast on it. I didn't think I have to I can't

Create event. I got to keep it very loaded for me. So I was just sitting down in like a fold-out chair nearby and they have this crazy security outside and it's a really long line in the security guys. Keep saying go to come out you want to come and cut the line and you can cuz they recognize you want to come in and I went and you can take whatever you want sitting in the sun and they couldn't believe it. They had they couldn't talk to each other in here.

We have family members as seen in a long time in here. There are people in here with come to give you the money back on here has your medication.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love that YouTube. Is there a cure for cancer, but it can't be released until now. I sign out of the book from your hand and we've extended appendix.

A child in here is dying of leukemia. Also, there's a make your own sundae bar. I just can't.

I have a question for you, cuz you do must love getting to do the clearly. I mean just hanging with you. I'm like, okay, they're there, do people like to go off quietly in a corner and think about it and they're kind of shy and then there's people I think like you and me who really love to just fuck around and then we would we can we left her like that for a long time. And so where do you get bad day in and day out because obviously you have people that you work with but you have a group of really funny people in your life you sit around and you can generate ideas and and come up with stuff and how does that work for you? Well, yeah, I mean if you're not funny than you're not really worth a damn is a friend of mine. Let's be clear myself. Just want to be me righteous. You can be you need to be funny. But yeah, I have I think that like like for example, one of my closest friends is a comedian named Wayne Kennedy who I've known since I started doing comedy, Chicago.

And one of the great things about my career is that now I can like hire him to like he works in The Nightshade you work until we buy it and he goes 1 2 or 3 when I'm doing I'm getting my stand up back together and really it's just like in really onion a Nightshade Macy's job is to just sit in the van and talk to me while I wait to go talk to like the KKK like that's basically is job. It's not like it's just going to be around so I can stay loose and so cuz otherwise if I get too and also and we're not talking about the interviews. Times, we're just like riffing and taking them to the funniest stuff often happens in the van or in the green room or backstage these things happen that are just absolute gold and that's what makes them special. It's really like for Comics. It's like legitimate you had to be there moments like nobody can take a bit from this. Nobody'd know he's working on a bit. It's just us sort of like like musicians having a jam session like we're just

I'm here playing together for me. That's the that's the one thing about like that when I think about what did I get out of this like, you know, cuz, you can show me this hard and it makes you crazy. But like I definitely know that I've laughed more because of my chosen profession that I would have laughed if I hadn't been in this scene of life and there's a lot of there's a lot to be said for that cuz I do think it is a healthy thing to do to laugh and now with my kids like my oldest is 9 my middle is 5 and 1/2. They know the power of being funny and so now we're being funny together and like, you know, like it just in so now we have like bits that we do like that like sort of like now fun on its own even in a kid way. It's like I like my my daughter and now does the thing that, could you call me for like 10 years do you wear if I say something stupid like that's funny.

Headliner in Topeka, Kansas have a good one for 60 years just got looking at and going like anyway.

That's that's my daughter. That's what I call. You really thought. That was a good one. That was a good one. Like actually, sometimes you like impressed by the craft more than you even want to laugh about it like a wine sommelier. It's like you don't even enjoy this anymore. Like it's just I do think that you do want to be able to access the galactic part two of your kids have different senses of humor, like how my nine-year-old really is getting into word play and that's where she will be. Like, that's funny cuz that word means this but you said it like, you know, so she's at where is my 5 and 1/2 year old is at that age where all you have to do to make her laugh is like sing a popular song in swap out key words with the word butt and that is all she needs.

I'm still in that stage, but I also like wordplay. She's like, nope. Not the word play. Just sing Let It Go from Frozen, but they let it but let it but if you just talk to me.

Why do people out there probably have passion projects stuff? They really want to get off the ground like me. I would like to have a Puppet Theater that sold a lot of alcohol. Yeah, not for kids for adults and it's adult themed puppet shows. That's something I want to get into it. Anyway, got off track fast. That's my passion project. But if you have one you wanted make it happen. You can turn your dream into a reality with Squarespace Squarespace makes it easier than ever to launch your passion project, but they want to start a business or showcase your work or I say have a nude puppet show or a lot of alcohol is serving you want to get the word out to Squarespace is the tool for you. Do they got great templates made by great designers. They can customize everything with a few clicks. They got the powerful Commerce functionality.

When I do it's usually when I'm talking about Squarespace optimized for mobile right out of the box, and there's nothing to patch or upgrade. I hate when you have to patch your upgrade Bangor Maine simple, you'll get the help you lead with Squarespace is 24/7 award-winning customer support. This is just the way to go. I mean, come on. What are we doing here? I really want I really believe Squarespace could help me with my adult themed puppet show. We serve a lot of alcohol had to going in for free trial when you're ready to launch use the offer code Kona to save 10% off your first purchase of a website of Domaine that an offer code Conan help me with the puppet show.

Is so many ideas in comedy that we we think of and we're in a strange strange when this we've been in this time for a while. That's the cancel culture of someone getting in trouble for something they said and or or did they did that went too far and one of the things that I've always thought it's what you do have to have almost like the room where they split the atom to create the heat to generate everything. You need to have a room where you have a where you're protected were you can almost literally say everything you want to meet at everything and anything because it's the way that comedy is made. I got a call yesterday from a well-known comic who didn't really want to be associated with the idea. So I won't say his name, but he called me with this idea and he was like Conan I just got to tell you this idea really fast. I can't do it. You can't do it because it involves.

Hitler and okay. Alright. Okay during Berg rally this famous where you cut to the crowd and Leni Riefenstahl shot it and there's just you know hundreds of thousands of Germans in neat rows and they're going crazy in this year is giving his speech and it's beautiful shot and it says iconic horrible moment. It shows you how much everybody was the problem is Hitler but instead in whatever year it was 1936 whatever coronavirus is hit so there's a couple of Germans backstage and the high command and they're talkin. Someone's got to go tell the spirit it because the coronavirus set a thousand Germans in the crowd there is about it's about a hundred people with distance to Lacrosse and 10th and none of them want to go to sell this year. And then they they find one staff to like you got to do with auto he kind of likes and dislikes.

Uber Eats like

I never end up not telling you but I thought that is a funny sketch. I wish I could do this on stage or I wish I could do this but it's either not for me or I don't have a venue to do this in and I think that like that's what that's what that's about. The comedy brain. Your brain is always working and then you like I have to just share with another comedian. So I know that it's actually funny and then I can relax then I can move on to not thinking about Hitler.

Play to not think about Hitler really don't think anything's off-limits. I think it's all about delivery. And also who did comedian is cuz like every time somebody goes comedians can't say what they want to say. I'm like have you seen Anthony Jeselnik yet? Have you seen Jim Norton? Like they are comedians. You say every who say the things we think they're not allowed to say but they must a bus if those are the rules of the game. If you're going to come through here. These are the rules in of Engagement and I so I don't want to be I think sometimes people think I would be against those kind of comedians on a dog for all of it. Just be honest about it. I think it really the problem is when Comics you actually aren't about that life could have reason to step into that and then they get pushed back and then they say I can say what I want to say. No, but you got to be able to take the Heat and Jeselnik in Norton, right and many other comedian can take the heat, you know, I think like a couple weeks ago. There was a clip that went around of Joey Diaz from years ago on the

On Joe Rogan's podcast saying something that was like, you know, whether it's true or not. It's hard to know but he was saying to me that if it was true is horrible. And so there was an effort to cancel him and he would I thought I'd listened to his podcast. Sometimes he was just like, how can you cancel me? Like look at me?

This is exactly who I am is the kind of Comedy I do he said he says he was joking which you know, that's a hold of this ain't no idea. You couldn't he couldn't be canceled because like this is the space that I take up when they get canceled. It's because we don't really take up that space if you're a prop comic for 25 years if you're a Gallagher and in your joke is taking it to a manatees. Albonico YouTube and then you do a 10-minute hunk on Race that really goes over the line. Maybe go back to the to the props. I think there's a natural thing, We were trying to find the line and just going to play with the line and but I do think that you know,

Give people getting cancel is also overstated. Yeah, it doesn't happen people sometimes have to take a break. Like I just you know, it's funny. I'm doing all this press I sat down to do an interview and an extra just to go to all your booking Extranet sat down and then the interview or sat down on the zoom calling. It was Billy Bush now is like cancel been hit and I'm pretty sure extras not paying him by the hour. I'm pretty sure he has like benefits and stuff. So now I'm just saying I just came to say I think Billy bush is going to be alright.

That's my money. That's my main place. That's the whole point is there that's part of where we are in society. And if you if people want to give it a shot and I've had friends who try to get canceled. I mean Tucker Carlson tried to cancel me at one point so I get that thing up and tell my son Tucker. I'm down here.

Push back in people who didn't have access to their voices are couldn't people who are offended by things. You couldn't get their boys how to say their friend it now can and I think that's part of it that's part of the price of Free Speech, but I don't think it's many people getting cancelled as people say or getting canceled. We were really getting cancel usually involves. Like, I don't know crime which I think is okay to cancel people over disagree that got a really awkward in here.

Play with it. I'm a pretty my favorite. My favorite comedian of all time is Bill Hicks of course. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like I don't and I'm sure that mean you know, I wish you were still here. I'm sure there's things that he said that like, you know would get him canceled today and there's things he said that I didn't even agree with that the time but I was like wow, that's great writing inform. Yes. And so I have room in my heart for like I don't agree with that also, it's funny but I think a lot of times right now people to have room with a heart for I don't agree with that. Also. It's funny called being uncomfortable called tolerating discomfort. I sometimes think that maybe one of the big issues we got right now is legitimate like some people are like I've never actually been allowed to tell you when I was uncomfortable before I so now that I have the ability I'mma tell you every time I'm uncomfortable because I didn't have access to tell you I was uncomfortable for and that

making other people uncomfortable

and I think sometimes you telling me.

I will smoke by Cody, but I will have to Brandi that we will return and have a different.

I tried to sing about hearing what you have to say and I will this person has never been had access to their voice and they're excited. And they now do you always had access to your voice but we can't act like these are like both sides are having a different are having a the both sides have a point there is like I think that's something I also don't want to I don't look like I'm saying that either Mouse too late. Anyway, I want

Where can I take out individual bowels 10 when it comes out? You're going to be you saying?

Why is my son's death, but I don't remember when we were friends. I will tell you those things like that document because we're friends. I will do I will be in control. It is one of those things where that's the rift that you and I would go on for a long time and if we if we weren't

It would go much further. It was just the two of us.

Connecticut's major money and having that got together and then inserting you saying that clearly altered and then me saying I don't know I can't agree with you.

Create the event. So I'm the more sensitive and Innovative in the Middle East.

black people have gotten plenty


with that

What's the weather in Missoula in July and by the way, it's going to be your call. So that's true. Also, there's going to be some ads in here. So we're making money.

There's a there's a pandemic. What are we are we talking about? I got you. Did you think you're funny are actually our first day we met I ended up getting a last-minute gig at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. And if so the first day we met we working on the theater show and I was like, hey lady who I just met who I think I might have some interest in want to see me kill at a comedy club when I open with 10 minutes. And so she came and saw me at the first night. You told me to stand up then. Yeah. She's a good comedy writer in a good comedy mind, but I forget sometimes if somebody will compliment me on a joke and I'll back thanks. I don't know what I wrote that I was like no, I wrote that number when I heard you say and then I told myself that I wrote it cuz it's about having our children with my wife.

What was your vaginal canal?

Fixing to be afraid about it. Anyway when I brought his life using only my seed your friendship that guy know you're having a baby. She is I get access to the baby if I accidentally

you got a text so that you're allowed jacket.

I'm basically releasing children in the back page option to buy the currently she renews the least of my kid.

Has been renewed.

And so we have another cute ways of starting a little stale dated a new baby to make up for ever going to know which is like I said, it was only child. So to me, it makes no sense at all. I don't understand babe whose idea was no ice came from 1 to 6. So we we had I assumed we never talked about at night could just kind of assumed you always assume that you're going to replicate your childhood. So yeah after her second child I said, well, when's the next one and she said you're not to touch me against the might drop swapped out of the road where that would come from.

I don't know. I was just saying I understand. My oldest kid is 9 is like half of an only child because for the first three and a half years of her life. She was living that only child like and then I so she still remembers that and so for her sometimes when she has the most of like cuz it has the oldest when she has all the responsibility and sometimes she's like you had a good life. I know what your experience because I live that life my entire life.

I know I know it was good. Wasn't it? Yeah, a lot of people worried about I don't know why you want to have all these kids. I like that you went for it to musically with your wife the first time you met her because I do the same thing with my wife lies that our first date we got in a cab together to go and see a movie and I just went for it. I just I did the thing. I always do something for me many times. I started my mother like Popeye. I got a good idea in Deadwood crazy. She's crazy, but I thought she needs to know now.

Didn't her and was already thinking this is the one I need to show her my Hideous Car up front.

That was that was the way it was with Melissa because I had other other girlfriend to would like because I started doing comedy. I start dating a woman and she was like waiting for me to quit basically right when you get over this and then you can take a real dad's Insurance business, which was it actually a thing and then and then my next girlfriend was like kind of into it. But by the time I got to Blizzard like this is what it is. And so either come out with me to the comedy club and hang out and make friends with my friends or I don't know this to work and she did all that so she is like friends with a lot of comedians that I know and she can hang out and so and gets what the life is. I'm not living a life anymore. But I feel like she definitely like accepted and thought it was funny and would tell me when I wasn't funny when I needed to work on that tag. That's the part. I can't tolerate song Night.

I don't want you to 6th Avenue better and be a better version of yourself and inspire you to be a better person.

I know I like to hear a really funny a great job. There's no one like you and then when it breaks into this territory of being honest with me emotionally, that's when I have to go go to my, you know, seller about things you keep me down to earth pretty much so maybe next time.

Sophomore in college to miss them and I know we're in this credibly intense time. I do and I I hate when people say laughter is the best medicine because I respond no.

Fights in need of if I'm really sick laughter is not going to do shit, you know, and it was Norm Norman Lear the lake Carl Reiner and and Bob Newhart and I think it was Norman Lear at one point. You just said and I think it's like Norman lear's maybe 97 in car liners 96 and Newhart's I think he's only 44 you take care of yourself and just really needs to get to the gym, but

But they were all talking and they were all hilarious and they're in their late 90s and I think it was Norman Lear. He said I know it sounds like a cliche but I've in my profession I've laughed every day. I've laughed really hard everyday and it is life-giving and I really believe that's why we're out here and there's a lot of discussion about where we are and how can we improve and how did Queen get better? And I do think it's like well everyone needs to spend more time with each other and and the things that Youmans enjoy together, which is laughing. I mean, it's laughing and cocaine I was going to do the reality is this is not the place.

God down for the party of no.

But yeah, I do feel like even coming over here today to this to this studio, which is been boiled and scrubbed of coronavirus really looking forward to talking to you and I thought we're always passing each other we've done it and there's a few times we had an opportunity to talk but one of the things I really love about the podcast is really getting to spend some time with someone I admire and who I know is going to make me laugh and I'll feel better afterwards. And so I thank you for that. It's really was the whole idea of this podcast is very selfish with your side. I just want the people you hang out with me who I really liked and so I am really thrilled that you were able to do this. I mean, it was a happy to do it. I've been want to do it since it first came out cuz I also felt like talking like this is so much better than when you see these people out in the world or wear on your show or whatever like if this is the kind of way that you feel like you're

You know somebody and as I said before you're at you're someone who I've looked at is like that's the one that's the way to do it. That's the way to have integrity in your career. So I appreciate that. Thank you. I'm sure you also admire me physically the physical specimen has a side piece.

It's been an honor to be the guest on the very last episode of Scandal needs a friend because I am mouth frame.

Everybody's Facebook basic training in Army print a career. Anyway, thank you so much for doing this and like it or not. You are my friend how to bail at any point as soon as it gets really irritating really fast, right? God bless you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. We'll talk again someday friend zone. I'd like to address an issue talk to me now, please this is not me reprimanding you in any way people sometimes forget when I was in the podcast that tell you do work for me. It can probably come across the podcast that that I work for you somewhere somehow equals you work for me and the other day you contacted me. This is happened. I think of the past gas station gas station.

Took my wallet out and I put it on top of my car. And I remember saying to myself don't forget your wallet on top of your car. I forgot my wallet was on top of my car. I drive up and then in like about an hour later I go in to get my wallet and it's just not there. So it's gone dear listener. This is bad news for me, has my credit card. She has my credit card a copy of my credit card so that when she buy something for me medication that older men need a cream or balm that an older gentleman failing needs to rub into certain areas.

Those are some of the things you need to buy me, you know, where a special seat that raises their the toilet higher so I can get you it, you know, like my things for me all the time with my credit card to my credit card was was missing. Yes, and I was in the midst of trying to buy something on Amazon and you said grab bars just so I could get into the shower now.

I think people should know that all the way up here very youthful. I was born in 1914. A lot of work on it. Anyway, you told me the cards the cards. I lost my wallet. I left it on top of my car. And then I think you you said you drove around you did donuts and wheelies in parking lots and stuff and you are blessed to be able to Drift Racer wallet on top of the car and she street races in a Kia.

By the way, go to shut up for Kia. We're not getting paid for that that's free money for you. Anyway, I'm skipping around right now and out your window and doing wheelies and the wallet goes flying off somewhere. We don't know where that has my goes right to my bank you cards to your personal and the other one is my corporate card, which goes to your corporate right? He's all right. That's right. That's right. I pretended he's what am I? Mr. Burns?

I like the cut of your jib. How do you say I now have to blow I just blown up all your credit cards and it was right in the midst. I was buying I was buying a rash guard things you wear in the ocean cuz I do got to swim in these days and it keeps you from getting sunburned couldn't get my rash guard. Yeah. I know if you lose Conan O'Brien's card, you know, you're putting Conan O'Brien in Jeopardy Brian's family in Jeopardy and his finances in Jeopardy know how you're going to make this right? Here's the thing. It's not the first time in many times and always with hilarious scenarios.

Since like maybe six months ago. I lost my whole wallet. Yes, you lost your wallet since I've known you about nine times at always a story like, you know, when you are at the carnival and you go on that thing that drops you really fast. I want to see what it was. Like if the wild would fall faster or I would fall faster. So as it was about to drop I threw my wall in the air and then I couldn't find it afterwards and nine of your cards were in their plus the only original copy of your birth certificate. Sorry, you know what you make jokes

Time my my laptop was stolen. It wasn't password password protected in every single one of your contacts were just in there. No, fortunately it was really bad. I actually got really nervous about that. It's not like I had a list celebrities in there and what whatever, you know, I'm really close with Charlize Theron very close friends. I mean if it's more than that, that's whatever. I don't know but that out there something could happen, even though I'm married and she isn't really close it with me and has no interest. They said that it's not her number. It's like your mom's number are good call such a good conversation.

Getting calls from his college dean mother did once she wants came into my room when I was a kid. She said mr. Gorbachev. Yeah. So what are you going to do? What's the solution you blow up the card right to the card is worthless to ever finds it and tries to extort us worthless. I think, you know, they can't even steal my identity cuz it's an old address on my license. Maybe I don't know anything in your wallet. It could be harmful to me that if found like you have some information about me to be very embarrassing because I lose my wallet off downsized and so now it's very easily replaceable anytime. I lose it.

So that your wallet is something you can throw away at the end of every day.

Costco card, but that I have I can just go and replace it but nothing else has these cost will be very happy to give you another card to go there and buy a box of Raisin Brands the size of refrigerator. I don't know why people need a box of Raisin Bran is the size of refrigerator, but apparently that's what America wants to live at Costco. They get the amounts right? They give you a lot of something that makes me crazy. She's the right amount of food and they purchased an appropriate amount of food. That was the same them for that day and then they appreciated and they ate all of it and it was done and they weren't full like to full Bush it just buy all this shit and if she would come and throw it in the way they throw me in.

Well into a lion in the zoo adult are at it and Nash at it and we wouldn't even take the packaging off as you'd be like in there like a ham that needs to be cooked at we just start calling and ripping at it when she introduced us to our youngest to Justin. We started eating him born brother. He's ten years younger than you coming out for a while. I was still has a choice. He's got a mangled right arm. My point is my wife. She will go to the store and she'll come back and Schubach find its widest. Please great potato chips and it'll be in this little bag. My wife does at 2. Yes. Thank you in the house that I want to eat that she doesn't want to eat. I have to keep it hidden from her in my office to taste because she will not fail.

I like called vodka and I need to hide it from her because I want to keep it from her. She says you need to take these cuz I will eat them but I can't keep food that I like in a pantry where it normally will be. There is a bag of cookies that I want to eat. She won't let me keep it in the pantry cuz she's afraid she'll eat it. This is the problem my wife's also one of those people it's infuriating who she eats all kinds of stuff and she always looks amazing and I'm made of the word genetically.

Cheese popcorn that is my weakness and what kind of cheese popcorn where they put 9 popped kernels in a bag a very small bag and it's made with love in Portland.

Jeremiah and Charlotte's cheese popcorn kernels are packed and put in wrapping it cost much more than the actual, it's lovingly sold to your wife who gives it to her husband who eats in one mouthful sounds like she's just looking out for you. How dare she right? I know you don't go to Costco were you trying to do people like, oh my God, it's really him. You know kiss me kiss me and I I can't do that. That's all.

I know Brian.

Yeah, it's a Trader Joe's version of Conan just a really high-end pens version of version of Conan. I am oversized if no one's got thrilled about me, but there's a lot of me. There's a lot of me and I last a long time no means a long time. No, I did now. We all know what happened. Anyway, please be careful with your next wallet.

Lose my wallet again, but I try not to just I really don't think I'm sorry can't feel for others must be safeguarded and you've got to do something because I'm a National Treasure if my cards missing, who is it the same thing.

So you don't care about anything else in my wallet, you don't care about my insurance card my license you just care about your your your credit card if it affects me directly. I care if it doesn't I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything inside that's normal watch those commercials on TV. Does PSA is where they shall I go this animals, you know needs a home and I just am looking at on my quiet Easter music. I feel nothing. I feel nothing.

That's why I make so many noises and talk all the time the lack of a soul.

This is going to be a good season.



CNN Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris been in a Dire Wolf theme song by The White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy vivino are supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate Talent producer is Jennifer samples the shows engineer by will becton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a feature episode. Got a question for Conan call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message if you could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcast Stitcher or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

This has been a team Coco production in association. With who?

This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

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